Divorce 2, Marriage 0
I didn’t want to get married the first or the second time I did so. The first time I was trying to out-reverse psychology my parents. I ended up married. Sobbing and hyperventilating down the aisle, yet still ended up married at 19. The second time was for pragmatic reasons that ultimately were for naught, yet there I was, married again.
Neither time did I think I was following through on a life-long desire to partner up with someone. In fact, both times I knew very well the decisions would likely lead me to disaster of some sort. I’m the person who desired love and commitment more than anyone I knew, even at a young age, but never, ever did I think that meant marriage.
I believe in long-term relationships. I believe in fidelity and commitment and partnership and team work and building a family and sharing lives. More than a lot of people I know, certainly.
I think it is unnatural for humans to spend long periods of our lives alone.
I think we are at our best when we live with and alongside someone we care for deeply, support faithfully, trust absolutely. He is the person you are willing to get dressed in front of unabashedly. He is the person you know you can puke in front of and in return he can do the same. And then you are willing to clean up the sick and the poop and the snotty kleenex. We know what the other wants to say, even when we can’t spit it out. We know favorites: food, perfume, magazines, literature, films, television. Because this is how you are for someone you love.
And you might argue. You might even fight hard and mean and tough once in a while. But those times are rare. Because you know that you cannot make it if this is how you are most of the time. Because it is how things were before, and it never worked. Because none of the others were the one.
None of this means I care to be married. Certainly there are pragmatic reasons that might change my mind like getting health insurance and making end-of-life decisions. But there are other ways to manage these things.
I believe in forever more, happily ever after, not wanting something good to end, ever. But all of this does not mean marriage to me. And frankly, I think I’ve used up my marriage tries. I gladly give up any more to those who legally cannot marry but want to.
I’m hoping that by waiting till age 34+ to get married, and having 9+ years of relationship under our belts, I and my fiance are doing a good job of getting stats on our side. Still a little scary sometimes, though. ;p
Al_Pal
21 Jul 10 at 10:01 pm
I don’t think there is such a thing as using up your marriage tries. I have a friend who was married more than five times before she found the husband that stuck. I don’t think that the problem is marriage it’s the idea of perfect relationships we have been sold by society at large.
Marriage or not I hope that you find the love you need and deserve. You’re very right about humans being social animals that need those close bonds.
Love ya Sis!
Lidia-Anain
31 Aug 10 at 11:14 am
Oh, do I ever feel you on this. The first time I married it was despite my knowing it was a mistake, and yes, partially because my mother tried to stop me.
The second time I thought it was something that really could last forever, but I never wanted the legal commitment. After being pushed into doing the paperwork (three years after our religious-only ceremony) guess which one of us pulled the plug on the marriage? (Hint: not me)
Now I’m involved with someone I could see spending the rest of my life with, but I will *never* get legally married again. There is a level of presumed ownership that comes with legal marriage that I just can’t accept. No, that piece of paper does not mean that I have to put up with being treated like shit because the alternative is legal hell.
I know some people manage to make marriage work in a beautiful and balanced way, but that has not been my experience. I would rather make a daily commitment to stay with someone and to treat each other in a way that makes us want to stay together than make a one-time commitment that’s supposed to bind us together will-we, nil-we.
Elena Perez
31 Aug 10 at 11:15 am
Elena, thank you so much for this, your last paragraph is exactly what I was getting at. I will always strive for life-long commitment to the same man, but marriage? I will need a massively compelling reason to legalize it again.
admin
1 Sep 10 at 12:35 pm
Lidia, I agree completely we need a life-long bond. I’m just not sure that I trust myself to fulfill that via legal means. So far, marriage isn’t for me. Being with, committed to, loving well and healthily the same man forever is something I have always, and will always want, though.
admin
1 Sep 10 at 12:36 pm