sarahntastic

I plan to catch up the ol’ blog in the coming weeks. Today is just a list of what’s been on my mind for the last year:

**How to find a built-in family when you’re not looking for one
**How to gain back 60 pounds you lost when you’re trying really hard to pretend it can’t happen to you
**How to suck it up and take a job you don’t want because, at 38, you finally have to be a grown up
**How to argue with a pre-teen, and win
**How to argue with a pre-teen, and lose

Oh, and so much more. Stay tuned.

I started this blog just over a year ago, a week before my 37th birthday, with an ode (if you can call a bitter, nasty piece of hate mail an “ode”) to my 36th year.

I still hate, hate, hate getting older.  I’m still unemployed.  I’m still confused about what I want to be when I grow up.

But I’ve gotten better, too, at understanding time charges ahead, no matter how much I hate that it does.  Don’t get me wrong – I’m thoroughly annoyed that I still feel like an awkward 12 year old rather than an awkward 38 year old.  But, well, what can I say?  At least 38 is a prettier number than 37.

Me:  I can’t wait til Thursday!

BFF:  Really? you’re that excited about getting your IUD?

Me:  Say wha? I’m talking about you & I going out Thursday night.

BFF:  Oh.  I thought you were super excited like maybe you’re just gonna start fucking and fucking.

Me:  Um.

BFF:  Maybe that’s just what I would do.

How much would I have to love you for you to stop hating yourself?

For you to believe you are worth loving?

For you to love me back?

How much would I have to love you for you to believe that I love you?

This morning when I finally had a good cry – - the kind where I’m in a ball on the floor getting it all out, my mind hurriedly running through my list of people I might call, a decidedly short list to be sure, and realizing there is not a single person in my life I can trust with my shit or want to burden with my shit – - I realized I am just like her.

She might be out-of-this-world wacky.  Over a gender-confused man who wants nothing to do with her except when it serves his ego.  And she might be a compulsive liar.  And she might take a handful of Xanax every night.  And she might teeter between reality and her not-so-carefully crafted delusions.

But I’m just like her.

I want what she wants.  Love.  Acceptance.  Someone to tell me I matter in this world.  Someone to remind me of my value so that I steer myself from this detour of mediocrity, depression, and sadness I’ve been on for far too long.

Too bad she’s not just like me—keeping my motherfucking crazy to a few paragraphs on the interwebs where no one can find me.

_____________________

p.s.  so I wrote this earlier today only to learn her lies have reached epic proportions tonight.  I will just say this:  mental illness is not a joke.  No matter how ridiculous and sad this chick is, I have endless empathy for her, because she is so ridiculous and sad.  And because I am just like her, minus the delusions.

p.p.s. and my endless empathy will not serve to deter me from talking about her crazy, just in case you were wondering if I had some sort of epiphany.  I didn’t.

I love keeping my books.  I don’t love the space they take up.  It takes a long time for me to decide to clear out the shelves.  However, I need the space, and I’m sending books to anyone who wants them.  I started a list on Good Reads since my Shelfari lists are kind of involved.  I created shelves on Good Reads as categories.  I listed 48 books and have at least 100 more to go this week, but this is a good start.

Good Reads list

I will ship media mail to you if you see anything you want.

Categories are (some books listed in multiple categories):

women-nonfiction

central asian-arab-north africa

non-fiction

memoir

divorce

chick-lit

weight loss-diet

hispanic authors

fiction

I will update the list later in the week.  Some of the books are already spoken for, but e-mail anyway, I’ll let you know what is still available.  I’m paying for media mail shipping.  I don’t expect reimbursement, only that you return the favor sometime, either to me or to anyone else.  Pay it forward, pass the books along, make sure they are read and enjoyed.

sarahm.gibbs at gmail dot com

UPDATE:  Friday 1/15/09 is the last day to claim books!  If I don’t hear from you by 1pm PST, the books will head off to Friends of the Library.